Days of Our Misguided Turk Lives
by Alexandra The Not-So-Great
Summary: Oh the melodrama! Oh the stupidity! Just what in the world is going on?
1. Reno has problems

Note: I wrote this 2 years ago so it sucks, but since I don't like altering my finished works,you'll just have to deal with it (those of you who actually read this, anyway). And I don't own Final Fantasy VII (yeah, tell me somethin' I don't already know...)

Key:

' ' -thoughts

" " -talking

( ) - action

insert name here: -person doing the talking

It was about 5:45 am as Reno drove into the Shinra building parking deck, parked his motorcycle, and proceeded to drag him-self to work. The following night had not been nice to him as he started to recall just what had happened when he realized the elevators weren't on at this time in the morning. 'Floor 1 to floor 58, plenty of time to recall in between' Reno thought, then slowly turning he started to climb the steps.  
Late last night (or maybe earlier this morning) when he got home from his mission of being Scarlet's personal body guard all he wanted to do was sleep. He had stepped into the apartment, kicked off his boots, took off his shirt and jacket and thrown them on the couch then when he entered his room, he threw off his pants and jumped in bed. The last thought he remembered having before he went to sleep was, 'Man I sure wouldn't mind guarding that body if it weren't for Scarlet's screwy laugh.'  
He was having a dream, he knew it, and so far it had been a very good dream of him and Scarlet making out. Then she leaned close to his ear, she was going to whisper something sexy he just knew it. She pressed her lips to his ear, he was practically drooling all over himself, and that's when … she let out the biggest, most annoying laugh of hers, Reno had ever herd. It scared the shit out of him, so much so that he awoke … and noticed a sticky white substance was all over the green bed sheets. 'Ok. So I got something other than shit scared out of me; there's always the couch' He had only been asleep for half-an hour when he moved onto the couch where he had another 'nightmare' and had to move to the floor. 10 minutes later a week-old pizza box came crashing down on his head. By now he was thoroughly pissed. "GD DAMNIT, STUPID MOTHER FUCKIN' PIZZA BOX! That's it, what time is it? Only 2:17 am … fine then, it's too early to take a shower, so, God forbid, I'll do the laundry."  
Not much later, Reno was sitting on top of a vibrating washer/dryer machine hoping it would bore him so much he'd go back to sleep, however it was doing just the opposite. The machine beeped to which he jumped off it, cursing all the way into the bathroom to take an icy cold shower at roughly 3:00 am. Upon leaving the bathroom he scrounged around for the pizza box he had cursed at earlier and unconsciously kicked half-way across the room. He ate what was left of the pizza, got his Turk uniform on, and walked out of the apartment.  
'Yeah' Reno thought, 'That's what happened last night, and maybe why I look like I've got a bad hangover too.' He looked up at the door to his, Rude's, Elena's, and Tseng's joint office, then opened the door to be greeted by Tseng saying, "You're late again." He ignored it and drudged further into the offices. "Reno, it's 9:23 am; where the hell've you been!" Tseng shouted. "9:23? When I got here it was 5:45 … how-" Reno was cut off by Tseng questioning, "You took the stairs all the way up here?" Reno stares at Tseng and Tseng stares back as if to say, 'You really took the stairs up? – you are such a moron.' Elena walks in, looks at Reno then says, "You shouldn't be out getting drunk as a monkey and screwing any woman you can find when you know you've got to work the next morning, Reno." Reno turned around to set her straight. "Hey, I wasn't out doing the usual last night." "Could've fooled me; you look like you've got a bad hangover." "Well I don't … 'just couldn't get any sleep …" "Aww, poor Weno couldn't get any sweepy (giggles)."Elena's giggle sent a wave of headaches through his brain. "Uh, giggle like that again and I'll beat you with my shock stick." Getting in Reno's face Elena threatened, "I'll take your shock stick and shove it up your ass!" "Oh yeah? You try and I'll – I'll …" "You'll what-" taunted Elena, "-fall asleep?" Reno takes out his shock stick "You bitch!" and lunges at Elena, but Elena dodges him, grabs his shock stick, and then shoves it down Reno's pants. There was a 'Kazitt!' noise then Reno's hair did an imitation of a pissed off cat after which he promptly fell on the floor, eyes wide open, hair still poofy, and managed to mumble "Owawawaha …" before Tseng and Rude dragged him out of the office while Elena watched the shock stick's handle bob up and down in the front side of Reno's pants occasionally re-shocking him in the 'soft-spot'. Once the room was clear, Elena burst out laughing and rolled around on the floor.  
"Ok, if you want me to do a physical on him you'll have to remove his pants." "Elena, would you mind leaving the room?" "Um, y-yes sir." Elena leaves the room. "So, what happened to him, Tseng?" "He and Elena had an argument and she shoved his shock stick down the front of his boxers." "Well I can see that. But what's up with the duct tape?" "Reassurance," answered Rude. Doctor does a double-take when she finds out Rude can talk. "What my friend means is, we plan to duct tape him to the table so he won't run away when you give him the physical." "Well now that that's done, you two may leave me with my patient." Tseng and Rude leave the room.  
(Reno comes to) 'Where am I and why are my boxers and pants in that chair? turns head Hey you're that girl physician, but what's up with the latex glove?' "Hey, what are you about to-" latex glove snaps "Uh … Tseng … Rude. Elena, Rufus! Somebody, anybody; HELP ME!" Elena: "Tseng, do you really think this was necessary? I mean, to put Reno through that?" "If we didn't, he never would have gone to have one." Reno: "Owh, owh, owh, owh, owh, owh, owh!" "Reno quit squirming; you're only making this harder on you-self!" "How can I be making this harder on my-self if that's not meant to go there!" Rude: "Reno's having fun." Two men in white hospital coats drag a lifeless looking Reno into the hallway. Tseng: "Reno, are you alive?" "… I feel violated …" The physician steps out of the room and tells them, "I'm giving Reno the day off and putting him in one of the hospital rooms."

"Reno, we're visiting that new bar tonight, Rufus' treat. Elena's coming too." "So the rookie wants ta join in on the drinking? Well we'll show her how it's done, won't we Rude?" "Just stay away from Rufus; you know he's got a thing for you and he wants you while you're drunk." (gags) "Eh, don't remind me…"

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There you have it folks, the first chapter. Review if you feel like it. And if you think/feel my writing/story itself is a flaming-pile-of-dog-shit then TELL ME WHY. Thank you for you time.


	2. At the Bar

After a long wait, I have returned! Hey, where did all the readers go? Oh no! Did I scare them all away! Come 'ere little reader, come 'ere, I won't bite, promise. That's a good little reader.

And that concludes my daily dose of insanity. Now, on to the festivities!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. Cause if I did ... Tifa would've died instead of Aeris.

"Come on Elena, you're here with us so have a drink."

"Um, I don't drink that stuff."

"You're here so you're gonna drink if I have to shove the bottle down you throat!"

"Fine then Reno, waiter I'll have a virgin Pina Colada." Tseng: "Reno, if she doesn't want to drink she doesn't have to." "It's just my way of saying she needs to quit being such a stiff, loosen up, and maybe get that stick out that's been shoved so far up her twat that she's been a bitch here lately." "I am not a stiff … and what's a … twat?" What had once been some sort of beer came spewing out of Reno's nose, all over Rude and his sunglasses. Elena looked at Reno like he was a lunatic while he laughed his head off, eventually falling out of his seat. Rude: "Twat means ass."

"Man, I can't believe you didn't know what a twat is! Can you possibly get any blonder?"

"Just because I have blond hair doesn't mean I'm going to be stupid! –That's it, I've had it, I'm going out side." Elena storms out side and Rude, Reno and Tseng follow her. "You know, Reno didn't intend to offend you. So why don't we just go back inside and act like mature adults." Elena: 'Tseng thinks I'm immature? … Ohhh, he's right I am immature.' Elena bursts out crying and falls on the ground. "Why can't I do something right for once! (sob)" Tseng sits down beside Elena and pats her on the back. "There, there, I'm sure whatever it is can't be that bad." "(sob) but it is! (sob)" Tseng gets the breath knocked out of him when Elena buries her face in his chest a little too hard. Tseng shows Reno and Rude that he's suffocating but they just stand there gleefully watching.

'When this is over I'm going to kill both of them very slowly …'

'I'm such a goof-up, and a ditz, and Tseng is so warm … nice cushiony muscles, and pretty hair. Oh Tseng, I'm in love with you –wait a second! Elena what in Sephiroth's name are you thinking; this guy happens to be your boss for Shinra's sake! Stop it you little slut, you're choking him!' Elena lets go of her death grip and Tseng's face returns to its normal color.

Reno: "Hey, rookie, get over here. There's somethin' I wanna show ya …"

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna drink a beer an' smoke a cigarette at the same time, that's what."

"I bet you can't do it."

"Alrightte then, if I lose the bet I'll give you 100 gil but if I win the bet you gotta drink six bottles of beer in 10min. Deal?"

"Deal."

Reno lights the cig to one side of his mouth then downs the beer in one gulp, and hands the six-pack to her while blowing smoke neatly out. "Here. Drink up rookie."

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Mmkay people, so there you have it, chapter 2. If you hate the story or think it sucks, by all means TELL ME. Conversely, if you like it or think it's good, also tell me. I'm not getting any feed-back here and I'd really like some so I can either A) trash the story or B) keep writing. Even if all you say is something like "hey whats up" or "dude you suck," that's just fine by me: a review's a review. Of course criticism (of any kind) is very much appreciated. 

And remember,

Hungry writers say: Feed me Seymour!


	3. Elena has problems

Ok, I wrote this story 3 years ago and I told myself that I wouldn't edit it from its original state, but this chapter and the next one had a lot of discrepancies and things that just didn't make much sense in them so I went back and did some MAJOR editing. I think it's funnier this way, but who knows, you might not agree with my twisted sense of humor … (said in agony) And for the love of God, people, give me some reviews! Is it too much to ask?

Disclaimer: Why do I bother? No one ever reads these things anyway…

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**Chapter 3: Elena has problems and Reno has more problems**

_The morning after_

'Hey, what am I doing – in my apartment? How did I get here? Mmm, must've gotten drunk and the guys took me home. I'll just ask them what happened when I get to work.' Elena gets dressed then walks into her living room. "Tseng? What are you doing here?" He got off the couch still drinking his coffee and said, "I wanted to make sure you would be ok. You know, you got pretty drunk last night, anyway, I'll drive you to work." "O-ok."

_2 weeks later at work_

Elena: "Hey, Tseng, what happened that night we all went to the bar? I thought I would remember by now but I don't. I mean, I know I got drunk, but what did I do while I was drunk?" "You were looking really pale and asked where the bathroom was, then 'took off. About an hour and a half later you came back, still pretty drunk so I saw you home and … you know the rest."

"Rude, do you know any more about what happened than Tseng?" Rude looked at Elena and shook his head then returned to his work.

"What about you Reno?" "Hey, don't look at me; I got plastered that night too." Tseng: "So plastered, you went home 30 minutes after Elena ran to the bathroom." "If I went home then why was my motorcycle– never mind."(1) The door opens and Rufus enters. Rufus: "I know it's been a couple of weeks but I've been so busy being a pompous bastard with my board of directors that I haven't had any time to tell the four of you how I rather enjoyed our night at the bar,-" Rufus looks at Reno, "-I hope we can do this again some other time. Maybe three weeks from now? Anyways, there's a board meeting today and I came to tell all of you, you have to be there. Meeting's at 3:00 pm: come late and I'll be having a 'talk' with you after it's over." Rufus leaves the room; everyone returns to what they were doing.

_At the board meeting_

Elena: "Where the heck is Reno? … the jerk-wad … Oh well, it's his butt if he's late."

_Fifty minutes into the meeting_

"… what does the board say to this kind of action?" Heidegger: "No, I think you should leave this to the Turks." The door creaks open as Reno comes in crawling on his hands and knees. Rufus: "Speaking of the Turks … ah, Reno, so you finally decided to grace us with your presence." Reno pops up at the other end of the table like a stiff board. "Yes sir!" "See me after the meeting's over – no, tell you what, I dismiss this meeting. Every one can leave, except Reno." Elena faces Reno as she's going out the door. "You know, I would feel sorry for you if it wasn't for the fact that I might enjoy being in your position." Reno turns blue in the face and mumbles, "You and your stupid sadistic jokes," as Elena leaves and locks the door behind her.

Rufus: "Reno, you have been neglecting your duties. You're always out late, or drunk, or somewhere fucking a whore when you should be thinking of your job. I'm sick of it, so I'm going to punish you."

"Punish me? Like how; I'm a freekin' Turk!"

Rufus moves closer to Reno while unbuttoning his shirt. "I thought you'd never ask…" Rufus rips off his shirt and runs toward Reno. "Stay away from me you fag!" Reno yells as he runs around the room trying to get away from Rufus. "Come here you sexy man, you, and take your punishment like a good little slave…" Reno runs and hits the door, starting to claw at it trying to get out. "Rude! Tseng! Elena! Open the door! Please! Don't leave me in here with this lunatic! Guys, help me!" "You're not leaving this room until I get what I want so give it up; you know you can't resist me."

--The following scene has been omitted due to its violent nature and to prevent the death of any more innocent kittens. Instead of seeing what's going on in the board room, see Rufus in his happy place frolicking among the flowers like a school girl while the Smurfs' theme song plays (you can still vaguely hear Reno's screams in the background) la- la- lala lala- la- lala la la- … --(2)

_Sometime later_

Tseng: "In light of today's events, I say (for Reno's sake anyway) we go out to the bar … all four of us." Elena: "Do I have to go; you know I don't drink." "Yes 'Larney(3), you have to go – because it's your fault I got raped by president Rufus and now you're going to pay dearly!" "My fault! You came in late all-by-yourself because you were too busy flirting with his secretary and all the other women you met on your way over there!" "…well – it's still your fault (mumbles: using your freaky demonic powers to play cruel pranks on me …)"

_At the bar … again_

"Hey 'Larney, I'll make you a bet."

"What Reno?"

"I say I can drink this whole bottle of vodka while smoking two cigarettes." "Two? No way, but what about the bet?"

"If I lose I'll pay you 200 gil and if you lose then you have to play strip poker with us."

"Fine then." So Reno put the two cigs in his mouth, lit 'em, drank the whole bottle of vodka in one gulp, then burped out a small cloud of smoke. "Gross Reno, just gross." He chuckled, then handed the bottle to Elena and turned to Rude saying, "Well cut the cards for three."

Holding the empty bottle to her stomach, Elena bent down slowly, tossed her cookies all over Reno's shoes, and passed out on the floor landing partly in the pile of 'cookie toss'.

_When Elena comes to..._

'I'm in a hospital room, and what are Reno and Rude doing –omg… Tseng's asleep in the chair next to my bed!' "What in the world am I doing here!" No one answers her until a physician enters the room (the same one that did Reno's physical) "I have good news and bad news, Elena." Elena: "What-" "The good news is: even though you feel sick it's perfectly normal. The bad news is: you're pregnant." "I'm pregnant! But the-the-there's no way-" "Sorry, machines don't lie; you are pregnant whether you want to be or not." "How could I, I've never-" Tseng: "You were pretty plastered that night I took you home …" "But, you said I was in the bathroom-" "I could have been wrong." "Then who did it? Tseng?" Tseng: "Not Me." "Rude?" Rude: "…" "Reno?" Reno: "Hey don't lookit me; I got shitfaced that night too." Elena sighs and thinks to self, 'Oh shinra, I hope it wasn't Reno …' "What about Rufus?" Rude: "He's bisexual." "So I could be pregnant with Rufus' child!" Everyone's face scrunches up. "You know, when the baby's born, we could do a blood test to find out who the father is." "Really! Thank you so much!"

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(1) Reno was going to say "If I went home then why was my motorcycle still parked at the bar?"

(2) Nothing was actually omitted. That whole paragraph after Rufus saying "you know you can't resist me" was just added in for humor; this chapter never had any explicit sex in it, just some innuendoes and aftermath .

(3) "'Larney" is just a nick-name Reno has for Elena though I don't know where it came from.

A few more things before I leave you for I-don't-know-how-long. First of all, the more reviews I get, the faster I will update. Secondly if I get two or more good reviews, I will think about changing the ending and making the story longer (remember, I started and finished writing the story 3 years ago? Right now, the fic is about half-way through the original plot). Lastly, if the title (or summary) didn't give it away, this was first _intended_ as a parody of day-time soap operas. Why? Because I absolutely hate those soap operas and their horrible melodrama about women who cheat on their spouses with several other people then when they find out (le gasp!) they are pregnant, wonder which is the actual father of their child, or some other cheesy (and may I add, very clichéd) thing like that.

**For those about to review, I salute you!**

Also reviewers, please tell me if you see the parody or not. _--Alex_


	4. Nine months later

After half a year, I have returned!

Disclaimer: I hate you. I hate you all . . .

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Chapter 4: Nine months later, also titled "Will the real father please step forward" or "Drunk Elena (equals) garden hoe?"**

_A few days after the baby is born_

Hojo rushes out of his lab laughing like a maniac. "I've done it! One of my most brilliant creations yet! All I need is a subject to test it on …"

Elena wheeled into the room where her baby had been put. "Oh my beautiful baby girl, mommy's here to visit you! …" Elena pulls back the blanket only to see her baby isn't there. "No! Where's my baby gone!" Reno walks in. "Someone took your baby? Oh man, Hojo that bastard!" "Hojo?! Why would he have her???" "No time, come on." Reno grabs Elena's arm and starts running, dragging Elena out of her wheelchair.

Hojo pulls a leaver down and gasses fill the container Elena's child is in. Eventually the gasses become so thick, they envelope the baby to where nothing can be seen of it. "That should be enough, for now …" Hojo pushes the leaver back up and opens the container just as Reno and Elena burst into the lab. "We're too late, Elena." "Hojo what have you done to her?! You bastard, she's only an infant!"  
"You should be thanking me for what I've done, but no—you yell and curse at me." Elena: "I can't think of any reason to be thanking you." Hojo: "GENTELMEN, you shall soon enough, for BEHOLD! - This is no ordinary gas. It is …MY GAS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Reno and Elena have that look on their faces like "wtf." Reno: "Somebody call Aqua Teen Hunger Force; Dr. Weird has invaded Square Enix."  
Hojo: "(clears throat) excuse my insane-scientist split-persona. As I was saying, not only will this gas speed up her growth process but it may also make her smarter. Just think about it, she'll only be two for a month; not very long to put up with a whiney baby!" Elena and Reno stare dumbfoundedly at Hojo when Tseng enters the room. "Did I miss something?" Reno: "Tseng, if you missed something, I'm with ya boss-man."

_Later_

"The results for the blood test are in. Could it be contestant #1 (Reno)? Contestant #2(Tseng)? Contestant #3(Rude)? Or contestant #4(Rufus)? And the father is—" Elena: "Wait!" Everyone looks confused at her. "I forgot to say that whoever the father is, I'm going to marry them." Everyone: "What?!" "Whatever, just read the results." "And the winner, I mean father is . . . Reno!" "I won! Go me, go me, go me – oh wait a second, I have to marry Elena; not kool, not kool!"

_Even Later_

Reno: "Elena, is she asleep?" "Just like any other baby." "Well, since we are getting married, we might as well … you know…" "But I've never-" "Don't worry about it, no matter how bad you might be, trust me – I'm good." Next door, Rude was trying to go to sleep: with his sunglasses on (never takes 'em off). Unfortunately, on the other side of the wall his bed is against, is Elena and Reno's bed (normally just Reno's). "Oh, Reno! I knew you were good, but I never knew you were this good!" "I'm jus' gettin' started baby." Rude covers his head with his pillow to drown out Elena's moans and screams. Needless to say, Rude didn't get any sleep that night.

The next day was wedding day. Almost all Shinra employees were there. Everything was going smoothly right up 'till the part when the preacher said, "… If there is anyone here that does not approve of this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace." All-the-sudden president Rufus barges in and comes marching down the isle. "I object!" The crowd is silent, waiting for a reply from the priest. "So be it then. If President Rufus of Shinra Company does not wish for these two employees to be wed, they shall not." Rufus spun around yelling at the attendees, "Alright, holiday's canceled. Back to work you slackers."  
After all employees have left Elena and Reno are left at the alter wondering, "Why Rufus? Why?" "Because I refuse to let Reno marry the likes of you. And besides, I found out one of our own altered the test results." Reno: "Then who's the real father?!" "I don't know, but I had the doctor run it again. Should be ready when we get back." Elena: "Wait! Who altered the test?"  
"Tseng."  
"Ts-ts-tseng!?"

"The new test results are now in. And it says … what the -???!!!" Everyone: "What is it?" "It says that-that-that Rufus is the dad!!!" "Well Rufus, I guess we'll be getting married." "Come Elena, we should go make plans." Rufus, Elena, the doctor, and Rude leave the room leaving Tseng and a petrified Reno. "Reno. Are you okay?" Reno was frozen with shock; the mere thought that he could have been married to Elena and not really have to be. "Reno?" Tseng started poking Reno to make sure he would be fine but then … Reno fell over. Hit the floor, still petrified, not moving one bit. "Ididn'tdoit. Noonesawmedoit. Youcan'tproveanything." Tseng edges out the door looking quite paranoid.

Elena: "Tell me Rufus; when did you and I …-" "Oh, it wasn't just you and me. It was you, me, and Reno." "A threesome!?!" "Yes, but I was only after him. You were just icing on the cake." "I really don't want to marry you, but since you are my child's father, and that makes her the legitimate heir to your company – I guess I have to." "Then that makes our reasons the same."

_Insert time lapse here_

Once again the day of the wedding. Same church, same priest, same people, different groom. Also, unfortunately, the same ending. Except this time, it was Reno who came bursting in. "Elena! I'm sorry! I tampered with the new test results! I feel so bad!" Elena: "Will you people quit screwing with me?!" "I-I'm sorry but I didn't want to take any chances of actually being her father." "What about the passionate love we made night-before you and I were to be married?" Reno(overly dramatic): "I was young and stupid –" Elena: "Reno … you were 28 … and you still are! It was less than 2 weeks ago, moron!" Reno: "Oh, well in that case I was just after some pussy" "Ahhh! (sob) You ungrateful bastards! –Do you not care how I feel?! What I'm going through?! (sob choke) I'll kill you all!" Elena lunges at Reno however Rufus and Tseng (who came out of nowhere) hold her back. Rufus: "Elena – I know how you feel; my father abused me when I was young and made me this way. Do you think I like being bisexual? – No. It's just that Reno's so sexy …he serves as a constant reminder of what I am and what I've been through. I promise we'll do another test and this time, the results will be untampered." Elena strangles back her remaining sobs then says, "Alright, but, could I ask you something else? Could I ask you to tell me what happened that night –everything?"

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A cliffhanger--oh the joy! As a side note, the next chapter will be the last in the _actual_ story and the chapter after that will be a short epilogue for those who don't like the ending (both of which I will upload tomorrow).

**Life day; reviiieeeeew, reviiieeeeew!**

Review, damn you, even if you don't have an account, you can still review! Please?


	5. Filling in the Blanks

You people have really disappointed me. The reasons I write stories like this are: 1) to entertain people, 2) to experiment with different writing styles, 3) to obtain criticism (be it positive or negative) of said writing style(s). Doesn't every writer hope to achieve something along those lines when they put their stuff on here? Because I have only gotten 2 reviews, I am to assume that I have completely failed at directive numbers 1 and 3. Play Mozart's _Requiem_ for my emo ass while I slit my wrists and die.

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**Chapter 5: Filling in the Blanks**

_Waiting in the docter's office_

"Let's see, I remember making a bet with Reno and I lost so . . . the penalty for loosing was having to drink a 6-pack in … 15 no, 10 minutes and . . . after that I don't remember." Rude: "We all watched you drink it-" Tseng: "-then you looked pretty pale and ran off inside. I thought you went to the bathroom." Rufus: "Sometime during the night you stumbled into my room in the second story of that pub—how, I'm not quite sure—but you started rubbing all over me; you left me with no choice but be my roughest and put my all into you. (smirk) Ah as fate would have it not long after I started with you, Reno came in. He was so 'plastered' I could have fucked him in all his holes and he wouldn't have cared—so that's exactly what I did while he had his way with you." Reno: "Hold the phone! There's no way I'd ever have sex with you even if I was plastered!" Elena: "I dunno but when he 'raped' you in the board room you were conscious." Reno: "What does that have anything to do with this?!" Rude: "You did 'disappear' about 30 minutes after Elena went inside." Reno: "No fucking way! Not even a possibility." Poor Reno, he hates Rufus so bad he's in denial.

"Anyway to go on, after we were done I let Elena go and took Reno home—not to my place though." Elena: "Well how long was I in there?" Rufus & Tseng: "an hour and a half." Elena: "Well that verifies that story . . . _Reno _(evil smirk while she rubs it in his face) . . . now Tseng, the next thing I remembered was waking up with you in my living room—tell me the rest." Tseng: "You came back to the bar after 1 ½ hours, still looking pale, and groaning. I asked if you'd like me to take you home; after hearing your severely slurred speech I had no choice but to. Then I stayed the whole night to make sure nothing else happened and next day take you to work" Elena: "I can see there's something you're not telling me—say it."

Everyone looked at Tseng, waiting for him to talk; not even crickets were chirping for this moment. Tseng: "Elena, I know you have feelings for me. I was . . . just trying to make you happy. I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" Suddenly Reno's face had spread with happiness for them, Rufus started crying, and Rude even broke out with a small smile. Elena: "So you did it too. (Damn, wish I could remember that) But I can't forgive you—" Tseng: "Why n-" Elena: "-, for making me happy." Tseng's face lightens, Elena smiles and gives him a hug—he hugs her back. Tseng picks up Elena and announces to everyone, "To the wedding chapel! There's goning to be a marriage today!"

_5 minutes later_

The nurse (the same one who's been doing all the medical stuff throughout this story) enters our now empty room. Nurse: ". . . but, I haven't given you the test results yet!"

_And so, Tseng and Elena were happily wed that day not even knowing if Tseng really was the father or not (which he isn't because the real father is Hojo for some unapparent, sick, twisted reason), regardless, it appears they love each other and everything will end 'happily ever after'—_the end!


	6. Epilogue

Remember "Mog House"?

* * *

Epilogue

_2 years later Tseng and Elena got divorced because their daughter died of old age_. _In addition to that Tseng was in love with another woman and Elena was sick of him flirting with this other lady. _Elena: "If that damn sonofabitch wants to go chasin' after that brown headed hussy-of-a-flower-girl then let 'im, but he ain't gettin' a side helpin' of 'Elena' with that no-sir-ee!" –_was all we would get out of Elena. Other than that, life for the Turks is normal; Rude is secretly in love with some girl with huge boobs, Tseng is chasing after Aeris (whom, unbeknownst to him, is about to die), Rufus is in his office doing much-hated paperwork and thinking out loud ways to get Reno, and Reno is wondering. . . well. . . things no one wants to know about. _

_. . . ok, so I was wrong about them living happily ever after._

—_de end!_

Cloud stared quizzically at the screen. He wondered if this was some kind of strange joke or a rebellion against the Shinra. The last time he had played this it had been about a moogle trying to fly in order to get a girlfriend. He shook his head, unsure of whether to laugh or not. Some poor martyr working in the Wonder Square was going to get fired for this.


End file.
